by Karyn Maier, Managing Editor

The middle years of childhood that follow grade school and precede high school are filled with the opportunity to challenge, defy and rebel with the weapons of music, wardrobe and that ultimate double-edged sword tinged with contrariness on one side and sheer silence on the other. Of course, the degree to which a ‘tween might roll between these extremes varies, but the primary motivating factors are pretty much the same: hormones, peer pressure, and the desire to stand apart as an individual (as long as they have the same hair and clothes as everyone else).

For parents, these years are no less of an uphill battle. One day your child may discover their gift of gab and reveal their entire social life to you (with reservations, of course), and the next he may become sullen and wonder why you’re even bothering to talk to him at all. Fear not! By learning how to design your dialogue, you can not only win the communication war, but also avoid conflict in the first place.

Turn the table on open-ended dialogue. One of the biggest mistakes parents (and other authority figures) make is to ask an open-ended question of a ‘tween, which leaves the response vulnerable to being reduced to a blunt yes/no answer or, worse, a bland okay or whatever. For example:

Open-ended: How was your day at school?
Predictable answer: Fine, good, or okay.
Result: End of conversation.

Designed dialogue: Tell me all about your day at school.
Predictable answer: None.
Result: By designing your dialogue in this way, your child is far more likely to open up in a meaningful exchange. She’s also more likely to tell you what’s really on her mind, or what might be bothering her.

Avoid nip-it-in-the-bud statements. Picture this: Your child is trying to tell you that they are being bullied at school and you blurt out, “Tell the teacher (or principle, coach, etc.)!” Sorry, wrong answer. Kids have an unwritten code of conduct at school, one of the biggest ethical standards being to never squeal or tattle on another. So, what can you offer instead? A better response would be, “What are you going to do about it?” This not only empowers your child to value and take responsibility for their own security, but also helps them to develop skills to deal with ‘bullies’ of a different kind in the adult world (and we all know they exist). One caveat: Never promise that you won’t interfere on your child’s behalf, especially if the situation truly warrants it.

Minimize materialistic mentality. No doubt, materialism is big at this age; it’s simply in their blueprint. However, you can help curtail this tendency before it becomes an obsession. For instance, when your daughter returns home from a school dance and begins to describe with acute clarity what every other girl was wearing, listen with interest. However, when she’s through with her list of fashion dos and don’ts, ask her, “What is so and so really like?” or “What do you like best about so and so?” This leads her focus off sizing up peers based on wardrobe choices and taking a good look at the person’s true attributes instead.

Speak with sincerity. If you typically respond to your child’s concerns with “You’ll get over it” or “That’s not such a big deal,” then you’re sealing the lid on helping your child to address the issue, aside from showing a lack of compassion. Instead, demonstrate that you really hear what your child is saying and that you appreciate their concern, no matter how trivial it may seem. Further, help your child to develop coping strategies by encouraging them to take responsibility for their own actions and future consequences. “What could you have done differently?” or “Why do you think that happened?” are great lead-ins to self-examination.

Above all, enjoy your ‘tween. These may be difficult years at times, but they won’t last forever. That’s all the more reason to play an active role in your child’s social and moral development by giving them the opportunity to acknowledge worthwhile and lasting values.